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I suppose I can not sue the No Name brand company. For starters, what would I look under for contact information. I could sue No Frills maybe, for only carrying No Name brand mini marshmallows. As a major grocery store chain I expect them to offer products that are not DEFECTIVE!

How can you mess up a marshmallow so bad? I ran into a similar problem last summer when No Name marshmallows were the only kind we could find at the store for our camping trip. Roasting marshmallows, basic right? Isn’t that what marshmallows are mainly for? Well, you can’t roast a No Name marshmallow. As my friend so accurately put it, they turn into little bags of pain (crusty on the outside, molten liquid on the inside). Not really that edible until you let it cool, a lot, at which point, it becomes a cemented mass. Who product tested these!?

And now I have discovered you cannot bake with No Name mini marshmallows either. I was making my rocky road chocolate chip cookies. Glorious and decedent and all in prep for the bake sale at my daughter’s school on Saturday. Theses cookies use 9 ounces of good chocolate, melted with butter and white chocolate chunks added just before baking. So freakishly awesome, they sell super fast and at a good price. Or would have if I had used real marshmallows. Instead, I was alerted by the fire alarm almost seven minutes before they were meant to come out of the oven. Running into the kitchen, I was greeted with black smoke pouring from the oven vent. Panic ensued, windows were opened and the newest knitting magazine became a fanning object to stop the piecing noise. As for my cookies, the problem became apparent when I took them out of the oven.

All of my marshmallows had melted away, leaving black, scorched trails of burnt sugar and gaping holes in my cookies. The rest of the cookie was beautiful, exactly as it should be, but they are no longer bake sale material. I cursed up a storm but that can not bring back my cookies to an edible state.

So I will mourn the loss of good chocolate and try to bake my last bit of dough on a much lower over temp to see if that works. Perhaps in the shape of a person with ‘No Name product manager’ written on it’s chest. Then fate can decide between death by consumption or dissolving body parts.

I try not to be vindictive Mr. No Name, but don’t sabotage my baking.